Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Well well well…
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there