lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.