lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)