In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
lmfao
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years