Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.