@Sickayduh

Lawyer: The defense rests
Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal?
Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like “you’re a butthole”
Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle

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@Kyle_Lippert

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

@iwearaonesie

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@ErinChack

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.

@shkeeber

Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could’ve just gone outside and saved yourself $50.

@TheCiscoKidder

I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.