Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

look scared

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

👍

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”