LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.