@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

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@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

@MikeCanRant

Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters

@roadkill3x

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

@jon_bois

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@KeetPotato

[best women in the world]
17. all
16. women
15. are the
14. best
13. in the
12. world
11. its
10. impossible
9. to
8. rank them
7. in order
6. of greatness
5. because
4. they
3. are all
2. equal
1. my mum