me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
[best women in the world]
15. are the
13. in the
8. rank them
7. in order
6. of greatness
3. are all
1. my mum