I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle