LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I WON A HAM TODAY
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies