@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

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@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@IamEnidColeslaw

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

@rolldiggity

A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.

@Jerrypleasure

my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say “at this age i can’t handle the responsibility of being a spiderman”

@WalkingOutside

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

@IndecisiveJones

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

@metickleu

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

@emceekayvee

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?