LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

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I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.


I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people


Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”


Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.


Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.


I’ll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.


Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.