@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

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@SIGKILL

in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter

@wendyraepearce

I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.

@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@TheAlexNevil

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@AaronMichael_

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

@goolicker

Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.

@TheMichaelRock

I’ll stop calling you a racist if you stop bragging about all the marathons you run.

@4SLars

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.