Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados