LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.