lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

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Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me


Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom


I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.


“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”


My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.


Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.


Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b


HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?


[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*