@IndecisiveJones

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@PondHockeyPro

Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom

@AddledPixie

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

@Jedi_Daddy

“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”

@sirrruh

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.

@danjan13

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

@squirrel74wkgn

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*