@IndecisiveJones
@dianamail17
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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@dianamail17
@AbbieEvansXO
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
@PondHockeyPro
Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!
Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom
@AddledPixie
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
@Jedi_Daddy
“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”
“Sir, those are kids”
“Gimme two”
@sirrruh
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
@danjan13
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
@LurkAtHomeMom
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
@squirrel74wkgn
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*