Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.