An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours
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PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.