Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.