[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS