Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
You Might Also Like
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
*Rides off into sunset*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall