Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Single and childfree like Jesus
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.