Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)


I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.

I’ve never even held an entry-level position.


The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.


I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.


No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother


At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.


I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!


I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.


Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.