Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
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I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.
I’ve never even held an entry-level position.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Liquor Store Cashier: Wow! Big party this weekend?
I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.