INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
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God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.