Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus