@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

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@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

@JRehling

God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

@angrypumpkins

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

@shutupmikeginn

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

@Ygrene

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.