Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no


God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.


Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?


I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.


Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”


[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]


I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.


Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive


Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.


My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.