[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

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House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.


Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met



Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.


Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.


What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”


If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.


Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]


my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”


sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”