[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?