The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to
1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers
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What I said: let’s cuddle
What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My 10 year old: “If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first.”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake