A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The options really are this bad
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
life finds a way
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.