[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My dad.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I think this cat is broken
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety