[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.


Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.


“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.


CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap


Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.


“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.


Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not


what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss


ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David


[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.