Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
what do u call a sleeping pizza
ha ha haha
someone date me plss
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.