[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
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Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Sign of the day..
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
don’t be scared
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons