Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[laying on the hood of a car, gazing at the stars]
I bet zebras make piano sounds when you pet them.
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me: this is free, right?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.
I wanted to call her on it.
…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Jamiroquai, because Jamirodepwessed.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I don’t date married men.
I mean I wouldn’t call it dating…