@DurtMcHurtt

[laying on the hood of a car, gazing at the stars]

I bet zebras make piano sounds when you pet them.

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@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@mommajessiec

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

@nealbrennan

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

@Shade510

She had her hair in a bun for two straight days. When she took it out, it didn’t move.

I wanted to call her on it.

…but after the death stare she gave me while I was eating that burrito, I thought better of it.

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”