*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.