@LoveNLunchmeat

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

You Might Also Like

@goldengateblond

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

@shutupmikeginn

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

@ThatsSoCorri

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

@michaelianblack

Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@SavageAphrodite

My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.

@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@prufrockluvsong

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE