Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman in your freezer.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE