*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Me too
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When libraries troll their patrons.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*