[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.

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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.


“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies


[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug


Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.


“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner


I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.


It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.


Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.


[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.