*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

You Might Also Like


Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.


If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.


[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is taco

ME: four please

JUDGE: we’re not-

ME: with chips

JUDGE: ordering

ME: *lips on mic* extra guac


My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer


He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.


BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist


Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.


Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book


I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet