@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

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@Ali_Kourani

“Are you sexually active?”
[Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.]
“Yes.”

@joshbupkes

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again

@Tups13

“And a giant pink rabbit brings chocolate eggs to everyone’s house and that’s how we celebrate Easter.”
“So where does Jesus fit in?”
“Who?”

@Megatronic13

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

@TheRolo

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

@Manda_like_wine

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

@JennyPentland

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

@psybermonkey

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?