@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

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@Stellacopter

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

@freezingsheep

If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is taco

ME: four please

JUDGE: we’re not-

ME: with chips

JUDGE: ordering

ME: *lips on mic* extra guac

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@girlontapas

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

@tricycle_champ

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@RalstonReports

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

@filthyson

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

@edawg_eric

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet