Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
JUDGE: your word is taco
ME: four please
JUDGE: we’re not-
ME: with chips
ME: *lips on mic* extra guac
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
first you must answer his riddles
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.