Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.