@OddMarc

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

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@Stellar_AF

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

@nutsaremixed

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

@Ilovelamp1979

I was late to work because I was having car trouble.

And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.

@junejuly12

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@Sickayduh

Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?

@One_FineMess

Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@Smethanie

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

@MariyaAlexander

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.