Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

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before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything


if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet


I was late to work because I was having car trouble.

And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.


Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store


My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”


Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?


Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…


I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.


Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor


More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.