The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
The key ingredients for a successful diet :
Bag of lime
What?…wait. Wrong list.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”