@Mr_Mike_Clarke

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

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@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

@Staggfilms

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

@SCbchbum

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

@bossy_bootz

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

@stevevsninjas

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

@SarahArcherM

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

@pittdave13

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

@SteveSuckington

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”