LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%