R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
same energy