Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Thursday Thought.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Hamburger Hinderer.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank