Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.