Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I’d be like cool I’m going home to eat.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.