@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

@jjhartinger

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

@SladeWentworth

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

@Kyle_Lippert

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@samhithere

“Body of Christ.”

“Why thank you, I HAVE been working out.”

@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

@fillthevacuum

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

@zephyrs0phie

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there