*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
You Might Also Like
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns