*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.


me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue


eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not


I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.


The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets


how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.


Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.


Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.