*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”