*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep


My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”


Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING


They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….


Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”


“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.


The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.


[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?