Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Wake me when AI does housework
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.