Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you