Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo
[Leaning into your casket]
I just think it’s funny how…
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Losing weight should be like losing your virginity
Once you lose it you can never get it back
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
6. MY FAVOURITE TEXT POST OF ALL TIME PROBABLY
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way
Will: That’s true
Way: Very true
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.