my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
He’s cranky this morning
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”