@ThisLocalHater

[Leaning into your casket]

I just think it’s funny how…

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@cdncyn

Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo

@myboots111

Losing weight should be like losing your virginity

Once you lose it you can never get it back

@RdrJay47

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

@NewDadNotes

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

@Loli_Sug

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

@brynnester

Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way

Will: That’s true

Way: Very true