@squirrel74wkgn

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse

@NoorShamma

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

@BigHeb7

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

@SonofWinter13

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

LANDLORD: And my goddamn rent, which is way past due!!

@iAmDelFreaky

~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?

Really?

*sighs*

@darth__mouth

hey teens ! if you think you’re angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.

@VisionBored1

sure sex is great but have you ever opened a bag of chips alone in an empty house knowing no children will come rushing in the room to ask for some