[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

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Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse


Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.


I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.


Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

LANDLORD: And my goddamn rent, which is way past due!!


~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?




hey teens ! if you think you’re angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.


sure sex is great but have you ever opened a bag of chips alone in an empty house knowing no children will come rushing in the room to ask for some