I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.