[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
You Might Also Like
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.