*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!