*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
What about a To-Don’t List?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Extremely relatable.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.